Conversations About Conflict

No matter your personal views, the events unfolding in Ukraine impact all of us to some degree, and children are no different. War is not a novel concept in the world, but the stakes seem to be higher as two large countries are embroiled in a conflict that can potentially draw involvement from other nations as well. Many of us would like to think that we can shield our children from distressing and scary events in the world, but that is not the case. Kids hear and see things even if we try to shield them from it, especially as they get older. If you don't address it with them, they are left to process it themselves or turn to other unreliable sources. As of 2019, more than 50 percent of teens were getting their news primarily from social media. I can imagine that number has only gone up since then.

So, today I would like to share some advice on how to talk with the children in your lives about scary, violent or otherwise traumatic events they may be exposed to:

 Be proactive - don't wait for them to come to you

•  If there is time, think through the issues yourself, or talk them through with someone else so you can work through how you feel about it before talking with kids about it
• Ask them what they know or have seen/heard
• Be ready to listen and not discount what they are telling you
• Empathize with their concerns, even if some are unjustified, but correct misperceptions

Reassure them in a realistic way

• "I'm here to help you understand this and get through it"
• "You are safe now here at home," or "our job as adults who love you is to keep you safe"
• Steer clear of unrealistic promises, like "Nothing bad will ever happen to you," or "I would never let anyone hurt you."  Those are promises you can't always follow through on.

Leave the door open for further discussion

• Try to ask open-ended questions
• How do you feel about that?
• What does that make you think about?
• Do you have questions about what is happening/happened?

Encourage them to use emotion words and share your own feelings, appropriately

• I'm feeling very upset right now, I'm worried for the people impacted by it, I'm scared too
• Avoid sensationalizing - try not to say you are terrified, horrified, overcome (even if that's how you feel at the moment)
• Follow these comments with how you are managing your emotions
  • I'm talking with…
  • I'm going to go for a walk
  • I want some extra hugs today

You don't have to know all the answers

• Use reliable online sources to find an answer together if possible
• Tell them that you don't know an answer yet, but you'll try to find out for them
• Accept that not every event has a good reason

Focus on who is trying to help

• International organizations, countries, leaders
• Talk about people in your own community who are helpers to make it relevant

Avoid blaming or chastising entire groups of people

• Political groups, races, religions, countries, etc.
• Focus on the reality that in most cases, tragic events are carried out by a small number of people or decision-makers

When you are able to have these conversations with the children in your life, it not only helps to work through the current issue and stress they may be experiencing. These talks will open the door for them to come to you with other questions and concerns they have to ensure that they get reliable and realistic information.  It is incredibly important for children to have adults in their lives who model effective ways to discuss difficult issues, manage emotions and resolve conflict. These skills are crucial throughout life and contribute to resilience and overall success in life. A relatively short conversation now can have a ripple of positive effect throughout their development.

This a guest post authored by Dr. Parker Huston, formerly the director of the Nationwide Children's Hospital On Our Sleeves campaign and now owner of Central Ohio Pediatric Behavioral Health. Check out his recent appearance on The Dadass Podcast.